Wrong side of Heaven
by PeverellSlytherin
Summary: When exactly did Dean decide he wasn't worth saving? Did it happen gradually or did something just snap? My first attempt at a song fic. Please Read and Review!
1. Wrong Side Of Heaven

"I spoke to God today, and she said that she's ashamed. What have I become, what have I done..."

In the corner of a broken down shed, a young man of eighteen sat, with blood dripping down his face, thinking about the choices in his life that led him there...

He remembered when he was four and was told to take Sammy and run. He was so confused and scared that day, but he had to be brave for his little brother. He promised he would protect him afterall.

He remembered when he was eight and was told that the job was all that mattered. He had told his father he wanted to be a fireman. It was a show and tell type thing and he really didn't know what he was thinking telling John that.

"I spoke to the Devil today, and he swears he's not to blame. And I understood, cause I feel the same."

He remembered when he was twelve and his dad used him as live bait for the first time. He remembered the look his dad gave him as he told him to man up after he asked him why he would do that. He never asked John why again.

He remembered when he was sixteen looking out of a window and seeing the same thing happening to Sammy if he had left. Sammy, his little brother, usually so pristine you could pull him through an iron and he'd still look precisely the same. John didn't even bother doing up Sammy's sleeves.

"Arms wide open, I stand alone. I'm no hero and I'm not made of stone..."

Dean used to believe in angels even when his dad didn't. Hunters didn't, but there had to be angels if there were demons, right? Had to be Heaven if there was Hell.

As he looked up at the ceiling that day with the body of a nine year old boy lying lifeless in front of him, he gave up that belief. There was nothing that could save him now... Nothing that should want to either.

"... right or wrong, I can hardly tell. I'm on the wrong side of Heaven an the righteous side of Hell"

That was the day that Dean gave up and the Winchester legacy finally began.

The lyrics in quotation marks are from a song called Wrong side of Heaven by Five Finger Death Punch. I, obviously, do not own it.


	2. Carry On My Wayward Son

"I hear the voices when I'm dreamin'. I can hear them say..."

Dean didn't know what was going on. He had kissed Sammy goodnight and had gone to bed. His parents had made a delicious dinner and had already cleaned up the kitchen, just like every night. Mary didn't like leaving a dirty kitchen for the next day.

Nothing had even been a slight bit off from the usual, but somehow that changed and changed quickly.

Dean had woken up to suffocating fumes in his room. He could hardly breathe or see much in the greyness of the smoke. The noise was deafening with the creaking of the burning wood and the roarig of the fire. He had to find his parents and quickly. They would know what to do. He didn't have to search long.

"Carry on my wayward son..."

There was a big fire coming from little Sammy's room and Dean was petrified. They couldn't lose little Sammy, they Just got him!

As Dean came into Sammy's room, his dad gave him a bundle and told him to run outside. Looking down, Dean could see it was Sammy. His big brother resolve in place, Dean took off for the front door and then the lawn, and just to mske sure, he put another lawn between them and the fire.

"There'll be peace when you are done..."

By that time, the neighbours were all awake and watching the disaster from their windows. Dean could see a few of them on the phone, probably calling the fire department.

Dean was worried. He hadn't seen his parents yet. Just as Dean was about to go ask the police officer for help, he saw his dad.

John was holding onto a blanket and staring at the ruins of the house. He wasn't crying, but there were tears streaming down his face. An emotionless mask took over the place where a smile used to come easily.

Dean ran over to his father, with Sammy still in his arms. Dean had refused to give Sammy over to anyone at all and had even held Sammy when the paramedics were giving both of them oxygen.

"Lay your weary head to rest..."

John picked Dean up and put him next to him. Dean had never seen his father look as lost as he looked at that minute. Whenever John was confused or lost, Mary would quickly help him. They were a team like that. What one didn't know, the other one did.

Dean looked up at his dad and asked the one question that John did not want to hear: "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

"Don't you cry no more."

The song and lyrics are Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas. I, unfortunately, do not own it.  
-


	3. Better Than I know Myself

John felt like slapping himself. This wasn't a new occurance, but that fact certainly didn't make him feel any better.

"Cold as ice  
And more bitter than a December  
Winter night  
That's how I treated you"

Dean, his eight year old son, had told him he wanted to be a fireman. It was Dean's first show and tell career day as he was always placed in another school too quickly to take part.

Dean was so excited, you could see it in his eyes. He had spent two weeks on his costume and didn't even want little Sammy to have a peek until it was done.

"And I know that I  
I sometimes tend to lose my temper  
And I cross the line  
Yeah that's the truth"

Dean, with his mother's bright eyes, had looked me in the eye and told me he wanted to be a fireman.

I should have told him that that was great. It was a noble and selfless job afterall, but all I could see was Dean burning just like his mother had. I had to keep him away from fire at all costs.

"I know it gets hard sometimes  
But I could never  
Leave your side  
No matter what I say"

I told him that he was being selfish. The job would save more people than him running around with a hose would. A hose didn't help us in the end afterall.

I could almost see Dean die a little inside after I said that and I felt like putting a fist through my own face, but at least this way, he'll have a chance. A chance to stay alive.

"All along  
I tried to pretend it didn't matter  
If I was alone  
But deep down I know  
If you were gone  
For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn"

-  
The song is Better Than I Know Myself by Adam Lambert. I, quite sadly, do not own it.  
-


	4. If I Go

Dean was confused and a bit scared, but would never admit it especially not to his father.

John had told Dean to stay in the kitchen of the house that had a ghoul nest under it while john went canvassing the rest of the house.

"I could say what you want me to  
I could lie, I could lie..."

John said he didn't know which vents they used and that Dean should keep his gun focussed on the vent under the kitchen table.

Dean was a bit scared because there was another vent that John apparently didn't see which is where the confusion came in because John never missed something like that.

Dean tried to keep his gun trained on both vents, but that meant spinning in a constant circle and he was busy giving himself motion sickness.

"Cause you're wanting a little more  
And I'm stuck in the middle of,"

Dean stopped turning and focussed on the one his father told him to while still trying to peak at the other one behind him.

Just as he turned back to the first vent, he was grabbed from behind and knocked out.

"But I try, but I try..."

Dean heard a commotion as he was coming to and saw John impale the ghoul. Dean called out to him and John came over.

Dean asked John how he found him and John said that he followed the vents.

When Dean ask John how he knew which vent to go through, John glared at him and said Dean was in the kitchen so obviously the kitchen vent.

"And I need time, and I need space..."

John was never vague. He always detailed and explained unless he was hiding something. Dean asked John if he saw the second vent before he left Dean there.

John pulled Dean out of the basement that the vent leaded in to and told Dean to grow up. People had died and had continued to die. Dean wasn't dead and by no doing of Dean himself.

"I need to live without your face..."

Dean took a step back and glared at his father. He had been used as bait by his own father. How was that his fault?

"If I leave, will it end?  
Will you need me again?"

John grabbed Dean by his arm and told him that that was their only way in finding them and if Dean wanted to sulk, he could walk back to the motel, and walked out of the house.

Dean walked back. It had started raining half way through and Dean was soaked by the time he made it back.

"If I go, will you love me?  
Will you love me when I come back?"

Sam was the first one to see Dean and opened the door for him. John didn't look his way, just told him dinner was on the table.

John was berating himself in his head. He was just as shocked at his actions when he thought back on it, but it just felt so natural in the heat of the moment. How could he do that to his first born son?

-  
The song in quotation marks is If I Go by Ella Eyre. I do not own it.  
-


End file.
